I got a call a few months ago from a friend from college, that broke my heart and made me realize that I had not been alone in the feelings I had once felt. As I heard her voice break on the other end of the line, I felt the venerability of this amazingly strong woman. I saw her insecurity over things that she had no control over. I saw so much of myself in her. Here was woman, who loved her husband more than she could ever explain, and yet her insecurities were on display more than anyone I had ever seen. As her voice broke she began to tell me about the text messages, and pictures that she had accidentally found on her husband’s phone.
The first messages that she found were innocent at first, but her heart told her that there was more. She found herself trying every avenue to find out what was really going on. As she began to tell me more and more over the next few weeks, I began to see myself and my insecurities that I had gone through. Several years ago I had gone through the same thing. My ex husband, had a girl who would not leave him alone. This “best friend” of his continued to text him daily, regardless of how I felt about it. I remember exactly how I felt the first time I found out. There had been several thousand messages between the two of them in a few weeks, I couldn’t see the content of the messages, but i could see the quantity of messages, which only left me to wonder what was being discussed. It began to drive me crazy that I didn’t know what was being talked about. He would keep his phone locked up. I would try everything to find ways to read pieces of their messages. My gut told me something was not right, but it seemed that i could only ever see bits and pieces of the conversations and it seemed to only stir my insecurities and paranoia.
Over the next few years I saw myself become this woman that I didn’t like, I coined myself the crazy stalker wife. I did everything from check where’s my iPhone to see his location, to downloading i cloud backups to read text messages, to stalking her Facebook and Instagram, and looking back I am not proud, however, my gut was right. I wasn’t a crazy stalker, I was a wife who needed to know the truth. I had this horrible feeling in my stomach because i knew that I was watching my marriage going down the drain, and watching my husband knowing that he was being manipulated and drug away by another woman, but more so I didn’t like the woman I was becoming because of the situation. It wasn’t until I heard a friend of mine who I respected and I knew was insanely strong in her faith and also her lack of insecurities, that I realized I wasn’t so crazy!
There are gut feelings for a reason. Those feelings are innate, and usually are right on target, I felt guilty for NEEDing to know the truth, but now i realize I wasn’t alone. Its a self protecting instinct. Real relationships are in complete honesty. There is no need for “crazy stalker” tenancies, but those feelings are normal, and those who have been through similar situations realize the feelings, but they aren’t alone.